Day 7

Things are officially different as hell for me. You tell me why.

The sheer volume of things I’ve been able to do lately has been astounding… I know dating, or even simply talking to people who are of romantic interest, naturally comes with a lot of anxiety for a lot of people. But I feel like my behavior gets pulled to extremes: I’m unsure about why I do better when I’m not dating or why it’s so hard for me to operate or be okay when I’m open to it, but I’m open to hearing some of your theories.

Day 3, Saturday:

  • 8:30 AM: go to the post office to mail some important docs
  • 9:15 AM: go to Home Depot to get a new light switch
  • 11 AM: doctors appointment
  • 1 PM: quick trip to the mechanic
  • 1:30 PM: shower
  • 2 PM: hair appointment
  • 6:30 PM: catching up over dinner and a long walk with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while
  • 10:45 PM: finally home, bedtime

Day 4, Sunday:

  • 10 AM: House stuff
  • 1 PM: Go to the planetarium for a few hours with Maddie followed by hanging out at the beach
  • 8 PM: sorting clothes in my closet
  • 10 PM: bedtime

Day 5, Monday (Labor Day, off from work)

  • 9 AM: get meds from pharmacy
  • 10 AM: treat myself to a latte
  • 11 AM: Zumba
  • 1 PM: Fix the light switch in my bathroom all by myself (it’s been broken for months)
  • 3 PM: shopping for work clothes, finding to my complete surprise that I’ve actually gone down an entire size in tops, dresses and pants
  • 7 PM: continue sorting clothes in closet and in storage
  • 10 PM: try to sleep but mostly too excited to sleep because of the light switch and new work clothes

Maybe it’s not a complete mystery why I’m so much better at functioning when I’ve taken the option of dating completely off the table for myself: I don’t have to worry about communicating with a person I like, I don’t have to worry about the lapses in communication from them. Life becomes a lot simpler when you only have to worry about the relationship you have with yourself. I can tell you what those days would have looked more like for me if I was still in “dating-mode”:

  • Netflix
  • Binge eating junk food
  • Force myself to my appointments
  • Sleeping

Day 6 was just a busy, normal work day, but I feel overall less distracted and able to focus so much better. I’m less inclined to reach for my phone to check my texts or hit up a friend because I need to be comforted.

What does it mean about me that I’m 28 and am only really able to operate in this binary? I’m either super functional and decidedly not dating OR I’m open to dating but functioning at less than half capacity.

The duality of my behavior has always been a concern to me. I don’t think I have BPD or bipolar disorder – believe me, I’ve talked to my therapist about potentially exploring these and neither of us think those diagnoses apply to me.


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