Day 23

I’m bored and lonely. There’s no reason for me to feel this way since I’m doing a lot with my life and can hardly find a spare moment to get my laundry done. But when I say I’m lonely, what I mean is “I used to subsist on the attention I could get from men, however disappointing it was, and now that I am doing something to stop myself from depending on it in an unhealthy way, I feel lonely and bored at having all this energy and focus to redirect towards myself.”

Once you get over the initial “wow, it feels great to be able to do things for myself again!”, self-care feels boring.

It’s boring to go to bed at a reasonable hour every night. It’s boring to get up at a decent time every day, make myself food and get to work on time. It’s boring to not be involved with some guy who doesn’t deserve me. It’s boring to do good things for my body like go to the gym a few times a week. It’s boring to not have heaps of anxiety now that I’m no longer waiting by my phone for some dude to hit me up. 

It’s boring and it’s unfamiliar. I’m used to the other stuff – not getting enough sleep, anxiously and obsessively checking my phone for a text from a guy who hasn’t really done much to win my favor, not having the energy to cook for myself or to go to the gym because I’m too depressed that the person I’m talking to doesn’t quite give me the attention or time I deserve from a partner. Those were familiar feelings.

I find myself wanting to reach out to old flames from failed romantic attempts just to see if we can try to be friends. It’s not really working – they’re mostly unresponsive, thank goodness.

I don’t miss depending on that attention for validation. But I think part of me misses the *option* to use romantic attention as a coping mechanism for my insecurities or for simply needing to feel wanted in some capacity. Why? Because it was familiar. Because being fucked up and anxious and using unhealthy coping mechanisms is easier and more familiar than doing things the right way and being alone for now. 

I’m resetting metaphorical broken bones that didn’t heal correctly the first time. And they need a whole year off to heal. But, God, does healing feel boring right now.

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